What IF . . . you almost died?

WHAT IF . . . Would you know?

Would you know? I watch a lot of t.v. having MS and not being in the best health and I see a lot of television shows that women find out that their husbands have had an affair and they are in shock and awe and the audience cannot believe that they had absolutely NO idea that this thing could be happening. DO YOU THINK YOU WOULD KNOW? No let's pretend for just a moment that you really loved your husband, and with that love comes complete trust, and with that trust comes a no questions ask policy. If he says that he needs to work late - you believe him - right? If he says that he needs to travel for work - you believe him - right? If he says that he - well you get the drift - right? Now I share this deeply personal story not to make you feel sorry for me, nor do I share it so that hopefully you will think me a fool for not knowing. I do not want to be considered a Maury Pauvich show. I am simply sharing my truth as I have lived it I hope that it might help someone out there in this vast universe of the internet that I do not totally understand. My husband had more than one affair and I am still breathing and I want anyone who reads this to know that you can survive. I do not know what anyone else considers to be an affair if I could go back in time and change things I actually might in that there were signs that I did not recognize because I trusted and loved my husband. The first experience was when he went to visit his old high school girlfriend for lunch and invited me to come along. I refused. Perhaps I should have gone? I told him I thought it was wrong to go that the past is the past. When he returned a few days later he told me that he had paid for her lunch, with some prying he also told me that they had kissed and talked about what if? I freaked out, I do not yell and scream perhaps I should have? I did ask that he and I go and speak with our local clergy because it was the first time that he had lied to me in our marriage and he had kissed another woman. The clergy laughed and said "Is that all?" Looking back I should have listened to myself and gone to counseling I did not. I realize now that once that door has been opened to WHAT IF I could never ever have lived up to what I consider to be the dream. Imagine when the times are tough he had that to think about, me I just though we were having a rough patch the ups and downs of life, he had someone else to fill his thoughts with. It was a short 2 years later that they had a full blown affair in which they created a baby at the time I was pregnant and in bed with our child. I had been in bed for 3 months carrying our third child a girl how excited I was I could not understand why he was never wanting to touch my tummy and feel the baby move? He missed my Dr.s appointments which he had never done with our two boys. He had to work late but that was not something new but the difference was that I could not always reach him by phone, he had very good excuses like he had a headache and had run to get some food. I would call his brother and express my concerns and people would laugh I would call my sister you see my husband was amazing a great man fantastic with my children and very stoic in the church. He never ever missed church he never ate out on Sunday as to not break the sabbath. He always helped out around the house almost too much. Now looking back I see why I missed any of the signs because I was very busy growing a baby, I was busy trying to entertain a 2 and 5 year old little boys from my bed. Really how many puzzles and coloring and videos and reading of books can keep little boys happy? Remember 3 count them THREE months in bed because my pelvic bone was seperating (so I can't even spell it it was so traumatic) and yes it was very, very, and very painful! I had a lot of help from my church family but it was crazy hard and I did not take any pain killers so I was very pre-occupied. When you ask how did I not know that is part of how! After a while though his dis-connect from me became apparent so apparent that 2 weeks from delivery I just flat out asked him what, what was wrong? Then I asked the unthinkable question . . . WAS HE HAVING AN AFFAIR. . . I remember we were at the kitchen table (why is it so much of life happens at the kitchen table?) he put his head down he would not look at me. My heart sank and I knew in an instant. Then I started to scream not at him but at my God really from a place deep inside myself almost a gutteral horrible scream, WHO, WHO, WHO? He looked me in the eye and said you know. WHAT WHAT ARE YOU SAYING? It took me what felt like an eternity to connect the dots but I know it was just a few seconds and I yelled still, NO, NO, NO, ------- I said her name. He nodded and confirmed her name. Then I asked when, where, how many times, how long. Let me give a word of advice to anyone who may ever have to live this horror. DON'T, JUST DON'T! This while it may seem like you may want to know, or that it might help you to feel better at the time in the long run it will NEVER help you. It is something that comes back to your mind like what I imagine HELL would be like it comes back when you least expect it to and you cannot get it out. There are times that I want to tip my head to the side and beat it out like when you have water in your ear but sadly it does not fall out. At first he said you do not want that but I insisted and so he gave me some of the details but that was first then he waited to tell me that she was PREGNANT! Long pause also to spare me the hassle and because he was sure that I would kick him out they had an apartment together and he had been secretly moving things out of the house ohh and another detail that I did not find out until my sister went to the bank he had taken half of our savings (to set up there home). I am so lucky that he had only taken half. Well where did I go from here? I was still sitting at the kitchen table because I could not walk, my options were to sit at the table, on the couch or in bed, hmmm. What I wanted to do was run screaming from the room or hit him or I don't know throw up in fact I think I did throw up. My parents were out of the country serving a mission for our church so I could not reach them in fact they were in OUTER MONGOLIA (did you know that there is an inner and an outer Mongolia?). My sister had just adopted a baby after waiting 6 years of infertility literally 3 weeks before this how could I ask her for help? I was alone. I wanted him out of my home, my life, my sight, he sickened me. The people that were renting the basement had my boys and they walked in right in the middle of this thankfully they got the drift and took them out for a bit longer. To say that I had entered HELL was an understatement. I did not know where to start. I told him to leave. I did not realize that meant right into her arms she had all ready left her husband and was living in their apartment they had shopped for food together, gone to movies together, established their love nest - ick. I weighed my options stay in my home or ask him to leave, I could not have him in my sight I asked him to leave he did not kiss me goodbye. I called my sister then it all hit I well she thought that someone had died - to me someone had - my marriage. I did not know where to start, thankfully she did. Her husband called my parents in Outer Mongolia and actually reached them at that time getting through was very sketchy and so I called that one of the many miracles of this entire situation. They (my parents) then called me and actually got through they asked me if they should come home I told them I could not make that decision I left that up to them. My sister asked if she should come, again I told her I could not make that decision to leave her little baby she had waited so long for. She came Thank God! My little boys came home and Daddy was gone I don't remember what I told them I do remember that they cried, I remember they cried a lot, every day. I cried a lot every day. I also remember that one of my husbands explanations for not telling me about the affair is that "they" did not want to send me into early labor or hurt the baby. How very kind of them. I really cannot remember all of the emotions of that time it was 16 years ago. I can tell you that time does help heal. I feel like when I tell this story that I am listing statistics rather than a story. I would have to go to my journal to really re-live it and I if you have noticed am not doing that. We went through quit a lot back and forth in the end we/I decided to stay married. That meant well I remember telling him that if he was coming home for the boys DON'T that if I was not enough for him stay with her. I would still be cranky and I would still be happy but I would still be ME! I found it very weird that I still loved him, I relate it to this that love cannot be turned on and off like a faucet. I wished at the time that it could. At the time that this happened we had only been married for 7 years. We did go to counseling in retrospect we should have gone to more than we did. I do not regret that I stayed married. I was married for 23 years total he had another affair on year 22 and I am now divorced (it took almost a year to get the divorce) the affair was with the same women. Can one predict the future? NEVER. Was it the right decision I believe so. When I ask WHAT IF . . . your husband had an affair . . .

Still trying to learn all of the widgets, whoodangs, and fandangels, please forgive. I am hoping to learn ever so much more. Here is a photo for today.

What if . . . time marchs on?

What if...some may say easy come easy go? Many of you may have heard this I have been thinking about how fast life goes while life is happening. My son, my firstborn turned 22 yesterday - what a good day. I believe that he chose me to be his mom, after all I was on earth first:). See I can excuse a lot of my imperfections that way as well. No really I believe with all of my heart and soul that so many of us worry about time slipping through our fingers maybe if I could ease up on myself then I could really just enjoy the day. I try to be pretty grounded about life knowing that we all get just one but it is time markers like yesterday that are really solid reminders that if I doubt that I have lost my way in this it is time to remember that after all it is just TIME! I had a small family dinner for him last night and I just really drank in the moment with simple gratitude of his smile, his laugh, his life. I was grateful that my mom could help me prepare the food (since my legs are not quite connecting with my brain yet) but you see I was still able to sit (something I am very good at) and be just BE with the family. The sun was setting and the gifts were simple, kool-aide packets, gum, beef jerkey and you would think that I had given him well LIFE! Live it, try to love it! Momma J

WHAT IF . . . you are diagnosed with an incurable disease?

I was sitting at my kitchen table, funny that it should happen there. I have always looked at kitchen tables as a gathering place one that holds those sacred family memories, the secrets both good and bad. The laughter and the love. The tears over the homework and the dents in the table when my little one threw his spoon at me for not wanting to eat his vegetables :). Now at 3:20 in the afternoon the phone rang I answered the phone without expectation for the journey of discovery had been 5 years in coming. I had been ill and had subjected myself to more tests than I could have imagined that the doctors had available and with no answer as to why I was just not myself. I say to people that don't really know it would be helpful if I could have little note cards you know the kind you make to study for a test really stiff so you can go over them again and again? I wish that I could have those and that the day before I could know how my body is going to behave so that I could plan what my days activities should be. Ahhh to wish, to dream . . .
"Hello," Hello I said, "this is Dr.---" Ohh said I I felt like a helium balloon deflating and it makes that skweeking noise. I quickly sat down at the kitchen table knowing that I would need strength beneath my knees. "after extensive study, and taking your pictures before my colleagues . . .you have MS. I will have my nurse contact you today to set you up with the necessary medications and the monthly injections." Now what does one say to these few words that now change my life FOREVER? Would thank you be appropriate? How about an explitive *%*!** ? Maybe I take it back I don't want to know, I was kidding all that time and money I have spent with you jk? I remember that I stuttered out a few questions I really don't remember the answers and then that was it he hung up and I was left with my own thoughts. Now there are very few times that I am speechless, there are even fewer times in my life that I can remember being thoughtless this was one of them. My mind was a blank for a few brief moments and then the flood started - MSSS , SSSS like I was in a long tunnel with the s repeating itself. Multiple Sclerosis I couldn't even pronounce it I know I couldn't spell it. I had researched it knowing that it was one of the options that the doctor was looking for but to really have a name now. The flood continued, death, leaving my children, not seeing them get married, not seeing my grand children be born, not growing old with my husband (turns out that wouldn't matter), not having them remember me you see if I died young I knew I just knew they would forget me. DEATH, we are all born to die I have said that a thousand times I know that I get that but to really GET IT. It stinks, I want to take my toys and go home. I don't want to die by being unable to eat without a feeding tube, unable to control my bowels or my bladder, to go blind, my good friend has become completely deaf in one ear and is quickly on the way to becoming completely deaf, unable to walk WHAT YOU SAY wheel chair bound, unable to communicate properly as cognitive impairment slows down, inability to care for my home and the costs associated with it because I cannot think clearly enough to do so, unable to bath myself, and the list goes on, usually you do not die from MS no that would be to merciful you die from something like cancer, or a secondary disease because your body/MY BODY will be/ is so worn down that with an autoimmune disease and all those cells multiplying the way they do (darn those little rascals) that the body doesn't know what to do with them except make a different disease. Hmmm, what else might I be in store for top two PAIN AND FATIGUE. Both of these are truly indescribable I will have to take a full day just to try and describe each so that I can see if any of you relate. I did not know that I could be so exhausted and still be awake, yet another curse of MS, unable to sleep due to the excruciating pain, yet so fatigued from the disease sleep would or could bring sweet relief. Then I try to stop myself thinking that this flood of thoughts is just that random thoughts that I do not have proof for yet, and that I need more evidence before I can really FREAK OUT! I look at the clock and it has only been about 15 minutes since THE CALL crazy how time can stand still. I feel so alone in my home in this moment, I am usually so at peace in my home content and happy to be here but right then I wanted company I wanted physical warmth, breath of others to know I was not dying right at that moment. My wish was granted as my husband and kids came through the door just about one half hour later I couldn't wait for a quiet moment I never seemed to be able to do that I always verbally vomit. I think that really bothered my husband. I blurted it out - the news heard round the world, my world, I have Multiple Sclerosis. "OK and we have suspected that, so we just keep on going" Now this was not the response I wanted at all! I persisted with more gory details about how I was going to have weekly shots and a nurse was going to have to train 'someone' i.e. I hoped him on giving me an intramuscular shot, i.e. very deep and painful when it hits the bone and how I was going to have to take a lot of medicines because of this disease and how it was scary and and and . . . and then he stopped me and said, "not in front of the kids" I was mad, I guess I knew that at some level but I also wanted to do it my way I had been very sick for 5 years looking for an explanation to why I was falling down randomly, why I could not cut brownies fresh out of the oven with a butter knife, why some days I would have to be sitting in bed by 3 p.m. so that my head would not roll off of my body (that is what it feels like, did you know that the average head weighs 8 pounds?), cutting back on my volunteer life, and so many other things that made me - ME. Sooo when he said not in front of the kids I was cranky because LIFE is in front of the kids all of it had played out IN FRONT OF THE KIDS, the late birthday parties, the mom doing puzzles with them in bed instead of taking them to the park, dad taking them to school plays and taking photos instead of mom the photographer going? You see as you can tell I have very strong feelings about not telling kids about a parents illness because I believe that kids well at least my kids are brilliant and they get it! All of it! My husbands philosophy was don't tell and they won't notice, shhhhh it's a secret. I know that there is good to both sides but I figured since it was my disease I got to choose? All of this took place in a matter of an hour and one-half. The reason why I chose the photo that I did is because even though to day is gloomy and raining and even though I don't know how to type without run on sentences and commas in the wrong spots:), and even though we know that LIFE IS SO SHORT, enjoy the journey. I love to photograph the simple things the things we often overlook. I see beauty all around me, one thing that happens with MS patients is that I am loosing my short term memory that will progress to my long term memory that is why I am fanatical about taking photographs anyone up for a shoot?
"DO WHAT YOU CAN, WITH WHAT YOU HAVE, WHERE YOU ARE."
--Theodore 'Teddy' Roosevelt
Mamma J