Still trying to learn all of the widgets, whoodangs, and fandangels, please forgive. I am hoping to learn ever so much more. Here is a photo for today.

What if . . . time marchs on?

What if...some may say easy come easy go? Many of you may have heard this I have been thinking about how fast life goes while life is happening. My son, my firstborn turned 22 yesterday - what a good day. I believe that he chose me to be his mom, after all I was on earth first:). See I can excuse a lot of my imperfections that way as well. No really I believe with all of my heart and soul that so many of us worry about time slipping through our fingers maybe if I could ease up on myself then I could really just enjoy the day. I try to be pretty grounded about life knowing that we all get just one but it is time markers like yesterday that are really solid reminders that if I doubt that I have lost my way in this it is time to remember that after all it is just TIME! I had a small family dinner for him last night and I just really drank in the moment with simple gratitude of his smile, his laugh, his life. I was grateful that my mom could help me prepare the food (since my legs are not quite connecting with my brain yet) but you see I was still able to sit (something I am very good at) and be just BE with the family. The sun was setting and the gifts were simple, kool-aide packets, gum, beef jerkey and you would think that I had given him well LIFE! Live it, try to love it! Momma J

WHAT IF . . . you are diagnosed with an incurable disease?

I was sitting at my kitchen table, funny that it should happen there. I have always looked at kitchen tables as a gathering place one that holds those sacred family memories, the secrets both good and bad. The laughter and the love. The tears over the homework and the dents in the table when my little one threw his spoon at me for not wanting to eat his vegetables :). Now at 3:20 in the afternoon the phone rang I answered the phone without expectation for the journey of discovery had been 5 years in coming. I had been ill and had subjected myself to more tests than I could have imagined that the doctors had available and with no answer as to why I was just not myself. I say to people that don't really know it would be helpful if I could have little note cards you know the kind you make to study for a test really stiff so you can go over them again and again? I wish that I could have those and that the day before I could know how my body is going to behave so that I could plan what my days activities should be. Ahhh to wish, to dream . . .
"Hello," Hello I said, "this is Dr.---" Ohh said I I felt like a helium balloon deflating and it makes that skweeking noise. I quickly sat down at the kitchen table knowing that I would need strength beneath my knees. "after extensive study, and taking your pictures before my colleagues . . .you have MS. I will have my nurse contact you today to set you up with the necessary medications and the monthly injections." Now what does one say to these few words that now change my life FOREVER? Would thank you be appropriate? How about an explitive *%*!** ? Maybe I take it back I don't want to know, I was kidding all that time and money I have spent with you jk? I remember that I stuttered out a few questions I really don't remember the answers and then that was it he hung up and I was left with my own thoughts. Now there are very few times that I am speechless, there are even fewer times in my life that I can remember being thoughtless this was one of them. My mind was a blank for a few brief moments and then the flood started - MSSS , SSSS like I was in a long tunnel with the s repeating itself. Multiple Sclerosis I couldn't even pronounce it I know I couldn't spell it. I had researched it knowing that it was one of the options that the doctor was looking for but to really have a name now. The flood continued, death, leaving my children, not seeing them get married, not seeing my grand children be born, not growing old with my husband (turns out that wouldn't matter), not having them remember me you see if I died young I knew I just knew they would forget me. DEATH, we are all born to die I have said that a thousand times I know that I get that but to really GET IT. It stinks, I want to take my toys and go home. I don't want to die by being unable to eat without a feeding tube, unable to control my bowels or my bladder, to go blind, my good friend has become completely deaf in one ear and is quickly on the way to becoming completely deaf, unable to walk WHAT YOU SAY wheel chair bound, unable to communicate properly as cognitive impairment slows down, inability to care for my home and the costs associated with it because I cannot think clearly enough to do so, unable to bath myself, and the list goes on, usually you do not die from MS no that would be to merciful you die from something like cancer, or a secondary disease because your body/MY BODY will be/ is so worn down that with an autoimmune disease and all those cells multiplying the way they do (darn those little rascals) that the body doesn't know what to do with them except make a different disease. Hmmm, what else might I be in store for top two PAIN AND FATIGUE. Both of these are truly indescribable I will have to take a full day just to try and describe each so that I can see if any of you relate. I did not know that I could be so exhausted and still be awake, yet another curse of MS, unable to sleep due to the excruciating pain, yet so fatigued from the disease sleep would or could bring sweet relief. Then I try to stop myself thinking that this flood of thoughts is just that random thoughts that I do not have proof for yet, and that I need more evidence before I can really FREAK OUT! I look at the clock and it has only been about 15 minutes since THE CALL crazy how time can stand still. I feel so alone in my home in this moment, I am usually so at peace in my home content and happy to be here but right then I wanted company I wanted physical warmth, breath of others to know I was not dying right at that moment. My wish was granted as my husband and kids came through the door just about one half hour later I couldn't wait for a quiet moment I never seemed to be able to do that I always verbally vomit. I think that really bothered my husband. I blurted it out - the news heard round the world, my world, I have Multiple Sclerosis. "OK and we have suspected that, so we just keep on going" Now this was not the response I wanted at all! I persisted with more gory details about how I was going to have weekly shots and a nurse was going to have to train 'someone' i.e. I hoped him on giving me an intramuscular shot, i.e. very deep and painful when it hits the bone and how I was going to have to take a lot of medicines because of this disease and how it was scary and and and . . . and then he stopped me and said, "not in front of the kids" I was mad, I guess I knew that at some level but I also wanted to do it my way I had been very sick for 5 years looking for an explanation to why I was falling down randomly, why I could not cut brownies fresh out of the oven with a butter knife, why some days I would have to be sitting in bed by 3 p.m. so that my head would not roll off of my body (that is what it feels like, did you know that the average head weighs 8 pounds?), cutting back on my volunteer life, and so many other things that made me - ME. Sooo when he said not in front of the kids I was cranky because LIFE is in front of the kids all of it had played out IN FRONT OF THE KIDS, the late birthday parties, the mom doing puzzles with them in bed instead of taking them to the park, dad taking them to school plays and taking photos instead of mom the photographer going? You see as you can tell I have very strong feelings about not telling kids about a parents illness because I believe that kids well at least my kids are brilliant and they get it! All of it! My husbands philosophy was don't tell and they won't notice, shhhhh it's a secret. I know that there is good to both sides but I figured since it was my disease I got to choose? All of this took place in a matter of an hour and one-half. The reason why I chose the photo that I did is because even though to day is gloomy and raining and even though I don't know how to type without run on sentences and commas in the wrong spots:), and even though we know that LIFE IS SO SHORT, enjoy the journey. I love to photograph the simple things the things we often overlook. I see beauty all around me, one thing that happens with MS patients is that I am loosing my short term memory that will progress to my long term memory that is why I am fanatical about taking photographs anyone up for a shoot?
"DO WHAT YOU CAN, WITH WHAT YOU HAVE, WHERE YOU ARE."
--Theodore 'Teddy' Roosevelt
Mamma J

What if . . . your son received threating phone calls?

WHAT IF? . . . my son received a threating phone call on his cell phone last night. I will not go into the detail but I am hoping mad (o.k. let me have you all rolling on the floor at this point since I cannot walk right now and am laying in bed typing this hopping is a distant dream:)). I am a mother bear, Dr. Laura says "I am my kids mom", no I do not think that describes with enough GUSTO, I AM A MOTHER BEAR, I will stand 9 feet tall, I will take my big paw and claw you to the ground, I will stomp and sniff, and I will stare you down until you leave! Don't mess with my genetic stuff. (of adopted stuff).
I digress now back to the phone call, this came late in the evening and this person was not intimidated by an adult, this person knew he was not at home and knew he had older siblings. Supposing this was you? What if this was you? What would you do? Well let me tell you what will not do you any good. One whomever your cell phone carrier is cannot help you with a blocked call phone number. It does not matter how nice, or how grumpy you are. I am not sure how this is possible because they are the ones whom issue the number and track the number. They are also the ones who promptly want their money the day it is due.
Next option try to call the police department and stress the severity of the situation. Now I understand that in Police world this is a blip on there radar screen, in my world, it is my world. I am not sure if the words that were coming out of my mouth I AM AT HOME ALONE AND CANNOT WALK. Went into his ears, or, if the words, MY SON IS AUTISTIC, went into his ears, or if the words, HE WAS NOT INTIMIDATED BY AN ADULT, went into his ears? He simply said that it MUST be a 'friend' that is pranking him? A friend, really?
Well let me re-cap if you receive a blocked call - DON'T ANSWER.
Second choice - The police department took a "report"
Third choice - If the harassment continues the cell phone company can put something on his phone that tracks the numbers? (apparently only the policeman understands this because the cell phone company doesn't).
I hope that this saves you the running around that I have done.
The answer DON'T ANSWER.
Happy Friday, do something that takes your breath away this weekend!
I get to go pick up my daughters prom dress - woo-hoo- she drives me, she pushes me in my wheel chair, and well then she puts me into bed, go girl!

What if . . . you cannot sleep?

Sooo, here I am laying in bed with Gwen Stephani's song running through my mind (4'oclock) in the morning. I wonder how many of you cannot turn your brain off at night? Do you know what to do? Option one, let your mind run the circles like a hamster on it's wheel with its little legs running and running and oh wait running. Getting the picture? two, surf the internet checking all of those sites that you have a list on a little scrap of paper somewhere that you have been meaning to look at and make sure to do so until your laptop burns your legs due to lack of ventilation! Option three, Watch late night t.v. , um, I take that one back there is no value in this option, Option three, think of a way to find a good Dr in the morning to get a little help for night time 'problems'? Option four, when all else fails - Pray.
Wish me well, As I do you. Mamma J

A NEW DAY - A NEW BLOG

WHAT IF ?
After much thought and life experience I want to start what I would call a NEW BLOG. . . How many of you have ever wondered What if ? What if your child ruined there best shirt with mud and you couldn't get it out - AAAAAHHHH! well Mama J has a solution to that, how you may ask yourself? I have had 4 children 3 boys and 1 daughter and have experienced many What If's in my life. So What if you were sick to death of how your front room looked and you had no money to change it? WEELLLL, I am a decorating efficianado I love to take something old and make it look new, I like to go to good will and look at the 'bones' of an item and come home and breath new life into a piece of furniture. What if your child was diagnosed with Autism? Well I have had this happen and I could give you a wee bit of hope as to where to begin the first steps to take after you let the feeling pass that you have been hit by a train. What if your husband has an affair? Well I can offer the pros and cons as to weather you should stay married or not (I will never tell you to get divorced but I can listen) I have been through the journey. I have forgiven and stayed married and then on the second affair, well I am now a single mom. What if you were diagnosed with an incurable illness? I can offer a few words of hope because I have Multiple Sclerosis and I live with the Dr.s appointments, the medications, the shots, the physical pain, and the mental pain. What if you had a child that became involved in shall I say a form of substance abuse? Well I can offer only the journey that I have been on but also some of the tools that I put in my tool box that helped me an my family to get through that time. What if when your husband left he declared bankruptcy and that means you declared bankruptcy too? Sooo I have a wee bit of advice on how to take this sad journey. What if you wanted to purchase a home? Well I was a loan officer for 7 years and I have a lot of knowledge on how to purchase a home and how to evaluate your credit. What if you had re-decorated so many homes that your family said NO MORE painting! I took up photography. I have been shooting for 5 years. So if you love people, if you love nature, if you love looking at things in just a little bit different way than I could offer just a little bit of help on how to start shooting. Are you ready to start a fantastiticly fun journey called . . . LIFE. Lets rock and roll. Mamma J